BREAK

A real confession...  I have found relief in "breaking" things.  I've been in dire need of getting out anger and frustration over the past year and peace has only been found in "breaking" something. Granted, that when I break something, I place it into a pillowcase and take it outside, because who wants to spend less than 2 minutes getting out the anger only to be frustrated by having to clean up shards of glass? 

I read a book called, Mended by Angie Smith.  She talks about a time of struggle in her life where she felt God prompting her to shatter a pitcher.  She went outside and threw the pitcher.  She felt relief at the breaking of the object.  However, God wasn't finished with this lesson yet.  God told her to put the pitcher back together again.  As she began to glue to the pitcher back together, She noted that every piece of the pitcher was a symbol of her story.  "Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all its imperfections."  She remembered broken promises, shattered dreams, deep felt hurt and resentment over the years of her life.  She goes on to share that as she looked at the pitcher that had been pieced back together with pieces missing and cracks, she was mad at those imperfections that represented her life.  But God replied, 

My dearest Angie, how do you think the world has seen Me?  If it wasn't for the cracks, I couldn't seep out the way I do.  I chose the pitcher.  I chose you, just as you are.

I related to this story because not so many months ago, my heart was broken into many pieces.  In the first few hours, days and weeks, I didn't know how anyone could continue living in our world with such a broken spirit.  It effected every part of who I was: as a teacher, as a daughter, as a mother, as a friend, as a Christian... I was broken to my core.  I had a lot of questions that couldn't be answered as to why it happened, how I could have missed the signs, where to go from this point.  But in the deepest part of my heart I heard my heavenly Father calling to me.  He reminded me that He uses the broken things of this world to bring light to those around us.  He called me to walk through the darkest days/nights of my life so that someday I could use it to bring glory to his name.

He chose me to be broken.  He chose me just the way I am.  

REAL

My daughter and I love to watch movies.  We would go to the cinemas more if it wasn't so expensive but whether a Hallmark movie on TV or the latest flick on the big screen, we love to just watch the story unfold.  Being avid readers, my daughter will select books to read and then let me know if I would enjoy the story or not.  If she thinks its a winner, we will read book and wait for a movie to come out.  This week-end, we enjoyed our most recent favorite trilogy on the big screen.  This brings me to the post this morning about being "real."

Stories follow a predictable pattern:  There is an introduction where you meet the characters.  Next you learn that the characters want something- freedom, love, money, power. Finally the character must overcome an obstacle to get what they desire.  Those characters face a conflict and a decision they have to make.  After that there is a solution to the conflict/problem.  In our household, we want love to win.  We want a happily ever after and we get frustrated when that doesn't happen.  I've watched my daughter throw down a book because she became so invested in the story line and when a leading character dies, she is beside herself.  

I say all of this to say, stories are stories and real life is... REAL.  I have to remind myself, and my mini-me, that life isn't happily ever after with true love, sunshine filled spring weddings and perfect harmony.  REAL life is messy- its broken, weak people struggling to make it moment by moment.  Whether we encounter "fairytale" people or "broken people", we don't know their life story so we cannot judge them based on what they see.  

BUT... BUT... BUT... and here is the great part... 

As Christians, there will be a happy ending.  Its a promise from our Savior that one day we will live with him in perfect peace, true harmony... a happy ever after.  I have to remind myself that REAL life here on earth will lead to a REAL life in heaven.  That my friends, is a story worth living.  

PLAN

This blog is all about "poor planning."

Thursday afternoon I realized I hadn't called in a prescription.  I promptly called the pharmacy for a refill and learned there were no refills left without authorization.  (WHAT?!?!?!  I always make sure I have what I need.)  Calmly, I asked the pharmacist to fax paperwork to the doctor for the following morning and I explained the office closed at noon.  Meanwhile, I looked online at the doctor's office and realized they were closed on Friday.  This led me back to the daytimer in the bottom of my purse.  I looked over the past month and realized I totally missed my follow up appointment. (This is where the panic sets in.)  I live by routine. I thrive on structure.  I need sleep, good meals, exercise, a little room for relaxation and I am good to go.  But take away any of these components and I am agitated, moody, frustrated and overall negative.

But this is my 'human-ness'.

Paul often talked about the thorn in his flesh and we never know what that ailment was, but we know it was painful.  This is my thorn of flesh, my burden I carry... some people closest to me know my struggle but all in all it is something that with medication I manage.  So I am clinging to the promise that God will never give us more than we can bare and that he will never leave or forsake us....

I PLAN to be gentle with myself over the next few days, taking things easy and in manageable parts. I PLAN to exercise grace with myself knowing that God is the one in ultimate control.
I PLAN to call the doctor first thing on Monday morning to get a new prescription so that I can rest with a peaceful heart and mind.

GATHER

So technically its early Saturday morning... I am just a few hours late but I wanted to type my unedited 5 minutes with the one word prompt.

To gather.  I spent today gathering.  I'd like to say I was gathering flowers, or recipes but instead I was gathering information and support from friends.  Today was whirlwind of emotion, beginning with an unexpected and unwanted letter in my mailbox.  After receiving the letter, instead of running into the arms of my Savior, I ran to others for support, validation and comfort.  Although these are good Christian friends, they are not the ones who can satisfy my quest for wisdom.

The letter in itself "gathered" a lot of hurt and resentment deep inside of me.  Who knew I could be so angry after all this time.  I realized, that although I have made so much progress, there is a lot of hurt and bitterness in the core of my being.  It made me realize that the forgiveness I thought I was producing is really superficial.  That work is totally up to the Holy Spirit and I am "just not there yet."

Thank goodness I have a God who is able to handle this.  There are no surprises for Him and He knew this day would be difficult.  He covered me with a wonderful concert on Thursday night and had already "gathered together" a group of supportive friends to help me navigate the "what's next" phase on my journey.  He never, ever, ever leaves me alone.

I immediately was drawn to "Shall we Gather at the River" when I saw our word prompt.  Here is a line that rings true today as I end this time.

1. Ere we reach the shining river,
   Lay we every burden down;
   Grace our spirits will deliver,
   And provide a robe and crown.